Special Request Forms 3
by RA'AY'MOND
Summary: Why does Teal’c need rubber gloves, condoms, KY jelly, a shower cap and bubble gum? Read on and find out. Note from author WITH THE POSSIBLE EXCEPTION OF VALA’S STORY, THIS IS MY FAVORITE ‘SPECIAL REQUEST’ NARRATIVE. FUN TO WRITE, AS WELL AS READ.


**Title: A Generals work is never done 1/? **

_**Special Request Forms, 3/5.**_

**Fandom: SG1. **

**Author: Grant / Ra'Ay'Mond**

**Author's E-mal: (your feedback is welcomed)**

**Rating: PG-13: for paper work and implied …..stuff.**

**Category: Humor? Angst? A day at the office.**

**Spoilers: Working at the SGC.**

**Summary: Hammond & Walter, behind the scenes.**

**Authors note: I wanted to write something about Hammond. This is just a start. **

**While working it out in my head I keep coming up with Walter "never" being too far away from The general.**

**Disclaimer: ****The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.**

**I would like to think Christine, the RebelWriter, for her last minute Beta reading. She went out of her way, putting all of her other work aside just to help me with this Fic. I couldn't have done it with out her.**

**I would also like to think ****G****.L.F.B. for reminding me that Teal'c is a major Star Wars fan. A fact that I had forgotten in my mad scramble to complete this Fic before it got cold. I Think that the addition of the Star Wars items will make this an even more entertaining and slightly disturbing Fan Fiction.**

I do not own the rights to SG1 or any of their products. I am only a poor fan who NEVER wants the adventure to end.

**A Generals work is never done.**

_**Special Request-Forms, part three. **_**1/? **

While Sgt. Walter Harriman sits in the guest chair waiting for his general to pull out Teal'c's Special Request Form, He suddenly feels a strange _painful tickle_ on the left side of his head. He rarely gets this feeling. But when he does, it usually before something bad is about to happen.

The sergeant looks around the general's office, checking to see if anything out of place. He sees nothing unusual. He asks his general if he can go check his desk before they begin going over Teal'c's form. The general says yes.

As soon as the sergeant leaves the general's office, the _painful tickle_ stops. Although he has never had any idea why he gets these feelings before the on set of trouble, he knows from past experience that it is a localized warning. If the feeling stops when he leaves an area, the last place he felt it is where trouble can be expected.

He sees noting out of the ordinary in his work area. No problems in the Gate Room. No calls waiting for him in his voice mail. He quickly makes himself and Hammond a cup of coffee, he believes General Hammond will need it soon. He downs his coffee, and brings the general's coffee in a Styrofoam cup back into the general's office with him.

He sits down and offers the general the coffee.

General Hammond looks at the cup of coffee and says, "Walter, didn't we go over this just a short while ago? Besides, I already have some coffee."

Sgt. Walter Harriman responds unperturbed, and says, "Sir. I have a feeling your going to need it… Soon!"

General Hammond looks at his sergeant, opens his mouth to respond, then the phone rings.

At the same time that the phone rings, that _painful tickle _returns on the left side of Walters's head. This time it feels more painful than before. As the general reaches to pick up the receiver to answer the phone, he notices that whoever the caller is, they seem to have a caller ID blocker on their phone. In the area where a caller's phone number would normally be, it just reads _caller phone number blocked_. At the very same time that General Hammond notices that this caller wants to remain unknown, Sgt. Harriman almost hops out of his chair, puts his hand over the receiver and says "General Hammond, don't answer that! Let the phone ring one more time and I'll screen it for you. If it's some thing you don't want to deal with right now, I can take a message or send it over to your voice mail! Sir!"

The general looks a little startled and confused at this near panic from his normally cool, calm and collected sergeant. However, he nods his consent by waving his right hand toward the phone.

On the second ring the sergeant picks up the phone and says, "Hello Cheyenne Mountain, General Hammond's office, Sergeant Walter Harriman speaking. How may I help you?"

The sergeant makes a painful grimace and pulls the phone slightly away from his _left ear_ as the caller screams into the phone. As soon as the sergeant realizes who the caller is, that pain in his head goes away. Then he thinks to himself, Sen. Kinsey, I should have known. He is probable the only person _on Earth _who could give me a head ach from over a thousand miles away!

At this point even general the general recognized that the senator is the mysterious caller. He silently mouths the words _voice mail_ to Walter. The sergeant quietly waits until the senator stops yelling before he tells him, "I'm sorry Senator Kinsey. The general is in a meeting and can not be disturbed at this time."

Upon hearing this, the senator launches into another screaming fit. When the senator stops to catch his breath Walter takes the opportunity and asks, "Would you like me to take a message sir, or would you rather me sending your call to the generals voice mail?"

This time Senator Kinsey answers in a normal tone and says, "Voice mail, please sergeant." "Yes sir senator, please hold while I transfer you to voice mail sir." Walter then transfers the senator's call to voice mail. And hangs up the phone.

After watching this one act Greek tragedy between Walter and the senator play out in front of him, the general ask his sergeant, "How did you know that it was …" Sgt. Harriman cuts off his general and answers "I just had a feeling sir." The general merely nods his head in the affirmative and tells Walter, "As soon as he leaves his message, I'll listen to what it is that was _so important_."

A red blinking light signifying that a voice mail message has been left appears on the general's phone. As the general reaches to retrieve the message from his main phone line, that same painful tickle appears on the left side of Sergeant Harriman's head again. Without missing a beat the sergeant tells his general "Sir, if you going to retrieve that message now, you should use one of you internal phone lines. If the senator calls back and you are on the main phone line, he will automatically be sent to your voice mail. And he will think that you were in your office all along and were ducking his call."

General Hammond was about to tell the sergeant that he doubted that even Sen. Kinsey would call right back so soon to check up on him like that. He is interrupted the sound of his incoming phone line ringing. And once again, the caller ID is blocked.

When the red light stops, then starts blinking again signifying a second message has been left, Walter's pain goes away. The general finally checks his messages, from one of his secondary lines. After listening to both messages, he deletes them and tells Sgt. Harriman "Both messages were from the senator. Nothing important. The second one was him checking to see if I had just walked into my office after he hung up. Walter, how did you know…." The sergeant quickly responds "I just had a feeling sir."

The general looks and feels slightly confused by the last several seconds. But he has learned from past experiences to trust Walter _feelings. _And he gets the feeling that what

ever these feelings are they are almost as great a mystery to Walter as they are to anyone else who has benefited from them.

The general finally says "OK. Let's go over Teal'c's Special Request Form. This one should the easiest of the bunch. He almost never asks for anything out of the ordinary."

General Hammond looks over Teal'c's request form. He goes over it several times. He looks and feels more embarrassed each time he reads it. By the time he looks up at Sgt. Harriman general Hammond has turned a deep shade of crimson blush.

The sergeant thinks for a moment that his general may be having a heart attack, but it doesn't make sense. He did not get the pain in his head. Although he can't control his early warning system, what ever is causing his general such agitation should have tripped some kind of warning.

General Hammond's lips move trying in vain to talk. Finally, with great effort he forms a

sentence in his gentlest voice "Walter son, please close the door."

Walter thinks to himself _what ever is on the form must be BIG! The general almost never closes his door._

The general looks slightly nerves and apprehensive as he ask his sergeant, "Walter, have you had a chance to look over Teal'c's Special Request Form yet?" Walter answers, "No Sir. He turned his in at the last minute, which is unusual for him."

General Hammond nods his head up and down slightly and tells his sergeant, "Listen to what he's requesting this quarter. Teal'c, last name N/A. "

Several cases of white candles. Six inches and longer.

One medium to large sized Gold Coin cleaning kit.

One set of Star Wars bed sheets.

One extra large Ewok blanket.

One complete DVD set of the PBS program "The meaning of myths", a Joseph Campbell interview at the Skywalker ranch.

One copy of Sun Tzu's _Art of War_.

Several boxes of extra large condoms. Non lubricated.

Several tubes of KY Jelly.

One shower cap. Pink.

One box of extra large latex surgical gloves. Pink.

One Instant developing flash camera with several boxes of instant developing film.

One video recorder.

Several blank video tapes.

And one pack of Strawberry Bubble gum.

General Hammond takes a deep breath. Lets it out through his mouth which is still slightly opened in shock. He looks at his sergeant, silently hoping that Walter can shed some light on this _very _special request. Walter slowly shrugs and opens his empty hands almost pleadingly as he shakes his head no.

Finally the general says something. He looks at Walter and asks, "What would Teal'c be doing with extra large condoms, several tubes of KY Jelly? And what in the world is the bubble gum for!?"

Walter thinks to him self, it's always the quite ones Walter then tries to picture Teal'c wearing a pink shower cap, pink latex gloves, chewing bubble gum while lying on his Star Wars bed sheets with the Ewok blanket set. He decides not to put the candles, condoms or any of the other things on the list, or the other members of SG-1 in the image.

_That would just be wrong!_

The general then angrily picks up his coffee mug, takes a sip and says, "And to make matters worse, my coffee is cold!"

With out missing a beat Walter, picks up the still hot coffee that he has just poured and hands it to General Hammond. The general looks a little relived and surprised as he takes the coffee from the sergeant. The general looks at Walter, about to ask how he knew that he would want more coffee. Sgt. Harriman tells him "I had a feeling about that too Sir."

The general downs the cup in one satisfying gulp. Thinks to himself how Dr. Jackson is not the only one with a _slight caffeine addiction_, then he tell Sergeant Harriman, "Walter, I don't ever plan on understanding these _feelings_ of yours, I'm just glad that your on _our side_."

Walter says, "Yes Sir. Thank you Sir."

The general then says "OK, lets see what Mr. Teal'c needs these _items _for. You know, Walter, with most of the other SG teams this part of my job is almost boring. However, as with all other things SG-1 finds a way to make things, interesting."

Walter says "They are unique, but they do get results Sir."

The general nods 'yes' and starts to read the reason for each request.

After several seconds the general says out loud "OK, it seems that the white candles are for his meditations. And the gold coin cleaning kits are to for the golden tattoo on his

fore head. The Gloves are to keep his hands free from the odor and grease of the gold cleaning kits chemicals. And the shower cap is to keep soapy shower water form dulling the shine of his freshly polished golden tattoo. As for the color, he merely says that he _likes the color pink.". _

At this point, both men just look up at each other, and shrug.

"As for the gum, he writes here that he likes to chew bubble gum while cleaning his gold tattoo, apparently it relaxes him. Innocent enough so far," the general says.

The general continues, "Teal'c goes on to say that Dr. Jackson told him that George Lucas received a lot of his inspiration for Star Wars from reading the works of a Dr. Joseph Campbell. It seems this Dr. Campbell specializes in the myths and religions around the world. Teal'c states that _any man that can inspire such great works in another should be studied_. It also seems that Maj. Carter told Teal'c that she recently got her brothers kids Star Wars bed sheets. It seems that after that, he had to have one, as well as the Ewok blanket," OK so far. The general says.

"Walter?"

"Yes Sir?" the sergeant replies.

"What's an Ewok?

"It's like a small Wookie, Sir," the sergeant replies.

"OK. What's a Wookie?" The general asks.

"It was in the first three movies. It looks like a giant dog. It barks and growls and only Han Solo seems to be able to understand him."

The general looks a little confused and ask "You mean like Wilber and Mr. Ed?"

"Walter sees this conversation going no where fast , so he asks his general "Sir, would you like another cup of coffee?"

General Hammond says 'no thank you', and continues reading Teal'c's explanations.

The general continues, "Sun Tuz's, _Art of War_. No need to explain that. Teal'c is a born warrior. Just doing home work on the philosophies and strategies of one of Earths greatest tacticians."

_A born_ warrior_, righttttt. I wonder if he wore pink latex gloves and a pink shower cap while working for Apophis _Walter thinks to himself.

Walter then feels a little guilty about having thought such needlessly bad thoughts about Teal'c. T_he man has given up everything to come to the SGC and fight for his peoples and Earths freedom. He deserves to wear that stuff if he wants to. Sergeant Harriman suddenly remembered that he has a distant maternal uncle who he is named after but has only met once. There is a _family_ secret that he went through most of the Korean War sleeping with a teddy bear. From what everyone says about 'Uncle Walter', he does not seem to have suffered any ill effects from the experience. And from what he has heard about the man he sounds like one of the nicest people on Earth... I just hope Teal'c stays in his room while wearing that stuff though _Walter thinks to himself.

The general interrupts Sgt. Harriman's day dreaming by saying "Walter, it seems the only reasons Teal'c wants the video and instant cameras for are to record his time at the SGC and with SG-1. One day he hopes to return to Chuluk and show the photos and movies of us as a visual record as the deliverers of his and their long sought after freedom."

Upon hearing this Sgt. Harriman feels an even stronger pang of guilt than before for thinking those things about Teal'c wearing pink rubber gloves into battle for Apophis.

However, Walter still hopes that Teal'c does not wear that stuff in the common areas.

_After all, people may talk._

Before his general begins to think that he has gone to sleep, Sgt, Harriman asks his general "Sir, what about the… other things?"

The general keeps reading, turns bright red, bangs his hand hard on his desk and says out loud, "I should have known that Col. Jack O'Neill was behind this!"

Sergeant Walter Harriman shakes his head several times and asks his general, "Excuse me sir, are the condoms and KY Jelly for Teal'c or Col. O'Neill?"

General Hammond says, "Huh? Let me read to you what Teal'c wrote, 'M_y blast lance is waterproof. However, from time to time it requires cleaning and lubrication of the gear mechanisms that open and close the protective hood covering. I do not have ready access to Goa'uld lubricants as I used to. So I began using WD40 oil. This proved a satisfactory substitute as far as lubricating the gears. Unfortunately, the oil has the unforeseen effect of attracting dirt and grit into the recently oiled gears, there by defeating the original purpose that I had intended. I have since stopped use of the WD40 oil. And my blast lance, while still functional, opens and closes noticeable slower than normal'" ._

"'_I have mentioned this to Col. O'Neill on a recent mission and he told me that he knew of two items that could remedy my situation. One was the use of extra large condoms to cover the head of my blast lance. The 'Coney Island white fish' as Col. O'Neill nick named it would protect the internal gears of my blast lance from both dust and sandy grit. I can open, close and fire my blast lance at will. Burning of the thin rubber covering with no damage to my staff. There by killing two birds with but one stone. Col. O'Neill also mentioned that as the KY Jelly is a water- soluble lubricant I could 'grease my spoke' as he puts it and clean my staff with only a wet cloth.'"_

Both men sit in what had to be the most awkward silence not only in the history of the SGC, but perhaps in the history of the Air Force.

The silence is broken when Walter ask his general "Sir, what do you think we should do about this?"

General Hammond responds by waving Teal'c's Special Request Form in the air and saying, "Sergeant, I think that we should go back to Major Carter's request form and finishing reading it and pretend that we never saw this one! However, since that is not an option, I'm going to have to deal with this and Col. O'Neill for making this happen!"

Walter Replies by saying, "Sir, as borderline tasteless as it is, I don't believe that Col. O'Neill meant any real harm by making those suggestions. It even seems that he told Teal'c to mention where he got the idea. So it does not appear that he is attempting to conceal his part in this."

After hearing what Walter had to say the general seems a little calmer but he is still upset as he explains to his sergeant, "I doubt that the Colonel meant any harm. He was just having some very tacky fun at the expense of one of his people. A little to familiar for my taste, but I trust that the Colonel knows just how far he can joke with the people on his team without causing to much harm. However, he should know better than to leave a paper trail like this one. What would happen if I was out of the office today and someone else had seen this request?"

Walter responds by saying, "I would have gone over them before your temporary replacement ever saw them Sir."

"OK Walter. But what if neither one of us were on duty at the SGC today? What then?" General Hammond asks his sergeant.

Walter answers, "Well sir, I would have to guess that the SGC had fallen victim to a successful _foot hold_ situation sir."

"OK. OK. Sergeant. Point Taken. The odds of _both_ you and me being out of the office on the same day are astronomical. However, there is a small chance that it could happen. And if this little bit of Col. O'Neill's handy work made its way to the Pentagon, a copy would find its way on to Sen. Kinsey's desk."

The General then quickly turns and points an angry finger at his telephone. "As it is that man calls me several times a day for no better reason than to _yank my chain and remind me that he's on the business end of the lash_!"

When Walter hears what sounds like an old Texas saying he realizes that the general is not going to let this one go with out giving the Colonel an earful. He fought the good fight for Col. O'Neill. Now he's going to sit the rest of this one out, hiding in the high grass, where it's safe.

General George Hammond gives himself several seconds to clam down. When he heard himself starting to sound like his grand father, he knew that he was about to bust a gasket.

He then turns to his sergeant only after he is sure that he has calmed down and says, "Walter, here's what we're going to do. I'll approve every thing on Mr. Teal'c's Special Request Form. However, I what you to replace this copy of it with one worded exactly like the original, minus the condoms, KY Jelly and the bubble gum. Got that Walter?"

Walter responds, "Yes Sir! Minus the condoms, KY Jelly and bubble gum. Got it Sir. But Sir, what about those missing…items? Should I tell Teal'c that they are denied?"

"No Sergeant. Teal'c has a valid need for them, and we'll provide them to him. Just not through the regular channels."

"How will we get them for him general?" Walter asked.

"I'm going to have someone at the SGC buy these items at a local pharmacy for Teal'c. It has to be someone who is both competent and discreet."

Sergeant Harriman asks "Do you have any one in mind Sir?"

"As a matter of fact son, there is only one man on Earth that I would trust with this particular assignment."

"Would you like me to buy these items on my lunch break or after my shift ends Sir?"

The General answers, "After work will be fine Walter. Call ahead and find out the price, then I'll pay for it my self. Oh, and Walter?"

"Yes Sir?"

"Mail the _items _along with the original Special Request Form to Col. O'Neill's home address along with a printed letter that says '_Jack, please see me as soon as you get this._

Give me the letter to sign by the end of the day. Also Walter. Be sure to mail it form the Post Office. Don't use the bases mailroom. Also, burn the receipt!"

"Mail to Col. O'Neill's home, have you sign letter by days end, mail from Post Office, burn the receipt, yes sir! Will that be all sir?" Walter asks.

General Hammond thinks quietly for several seconds, and replies, "Yes, I think that should do it. Dismissed. sergeant"

Sgt. Harriman gets up with Teal'c's form, opens the door and goes back to his desk to work.

General Hammond begins working on the Special Request Forms for the other SG teams. Hopefully, they will not be as _interesting _as his first contact teams. After several minutes of work the general suddenly stops and asks out loud to no one in particular, "Strawberry Bubble Gum?!"

TO BE CONTINUED…

This was meant to be the last chapter of _Special Request Forms_. However, there where/are three other members of SG-1. So, I have to do three more stories. You all know who they are. Jonas's will be next.

_**Love it? Hated it? Please let me**_


End file.
